My alcoholism didn’t really grab hold of me until a couple years ago. When I started AA and people would use the terms “Alcoholic Thinking” and “Dry Drunk” I had no idea what they were talking about. While I may not be sure what these terms mean for other people, I surely do know now what they mean for me.
Alcoholic Thinking for YEARS
Whenever we would go on road trips, I would always like riding around at night and looking into houses with lights on and as we rode by I’d wonder, “What are those people like?” “Wonder what is happening around their kitchen table?” or “Looks like a party, wonder what they are celebrating?” I would think this for years, from when I was a child and I still do it now, only I am driving.
But somewhere along the way, I am just realizing that in the last few years of my drinking, I was thinking more like, “I bet those people are happier than I am.” “That house is beautiful, I could never have that.” (And to the house with all the cars parked outside and along the street), “I wonder who died?” WOW. I can hardly believe it but I really was thinking like that! And now with a few months of sobriety under my belt, I can see it. THAT was MY ALCOHOLIC THINKING and it is not something to be proud of!
“Yesterday is History, Tomorrow is a Mystery, Today is a Present”
This was said at a meeting a few weeks ago and it definitely applies to me. I cannot dwell in the past, I can learn from it, make amends when necessary and learn. Learn by observing where my head was at when I was drinking. I can have the “BEST ____ money can buy!” But not with alcohol in my life. It not only makes me act stupid but it makes me think stupid. I never thought I was an envious person but I was and in many cases still am but I am recognizing it at least.
When I was growing up, it was a very strict Pentecostal way of “HELL, FIRE & BRIMSTONE!” When I learned about envy and jealousy was boiled down to simple terms that clouded my view over the years, then with drinking it was even more cloudy! I used to think people that were envious would steal in order to get what they wanted. Since I was not a thief, I didn’t think I was envious. With jealousy it was similar thinking. I was taught jealousy most often related to relationships with people. It was also a bad thing. I never thought for once I was envious or jealous because they did not seem to fit my circumstances. But they do.
In the Now
I can only worry about me. What and how I think is all I can control. I cannot control other people, what they do or how they think. I also cannot envy other people’s possessions or other people’s lives. It is my life that I have to concentrate on, what I think and what I do with it. I used to think it was selfish to think like that but I know now, that if I cannot be spiritually whole and fit, then I am of no use to myself or to other people.